Desi Wardrobe Malfunctions

There’s a ton of rumor and innuendo floating around out there about massage parlors and “happy endings.” Let someone who has been there and done that fill you in. There are two main kinds of Asian massage parlors (AMP) that offer extras in the United States: Korean Massage Parlors and Chinese Massage Parlors. Today I’ll talk about Chinese massage parlors.

Chinese massage parlors can be found in almost every major city in the United States, and sometimes even in suburbs and rural areas. Not every Chinese massage parlor offers extras, but many do. Usually you’ll get a poor to decent massage followed by a hand job finish. On some occasions, especially in “fly by night” setups that come and go, often in residential buildings, you may be offered oral sex or even full service (full sex). There are some hints you can look for to help you figure out whether or not a Chinese massage parlor offers extras. If it is open into the late night or early morning or advertises on Backpage or Craigslist there’s a good chance there are extras on offer (though these are no guarantees).

Where extras are on offer it’s accepted as a normal part of the massage, necessary for “full release” on the part of the male clientele. The masseuses will be laid back and accepting and so you should be too.

The main thing to do is simply to relax (after all that’s the whole point of massage!) and let things flow naturally. If extras are on offer, you’ll find out. What you should never do is try to force anything or pressure the masseuse. Of course you already know that, right? Some people will recommend that you ask for extras directly, but I’ve never done this and never had a problem. If you ask you may lead the masseuse to believe you are a law enforcement agent trying to set up her up for trouble. Or you might make a masseuse who does not offer extras uncomfortable. Luckily for you, you have the internet and especially sites like this to give you a heads up on particular places. When you can’t find any info, just man up and “take one for the team,” then report your findings.

When you walk into a parlor for the first time, simply say you want an hour massage even if a half-hour massage is on offer for less. You’re more likely to get extras by going the full hour, and if you go for less they may brand you a “cheap charlie” and not offer you anything more than a so-so massage.

Don’t expect super sexy girls in lingerie. While a few places will have women in their 20′s and sexy uniforms, the usual Chinese massage worker is middle aged or older and will be dressed conservatively. Only rarely are they bad to look at, though sometimes those “less beautiful” women give the best massages and extras!

The staff will often ask if you have been there before. Many recommend saying yes no matter what, but this can be counterproductive in smaller places where they will know you are lying. Because of that, I usually say “no, but I go to another place and decided to come here on recommendation from my friend.” This has always worked for me.

The usual rate is 40-50 dollars for an hour massage, though some places may ask for as much as 80 or 100. The better places like Golden Spa in New York City will offer a table shower (you lay down on a leather-covered massage table and an attendant washes your front and back with soap and water), and some middle of the road places will allow you to shower yourself in a private stand up shower before or after the massage, but most places will offer neither.

You’ll be led to a room and told to take off your clothes. Some rooms will be normal, with walls that go up to the ceiling and locking doors. Some rooms will be nothing more than four 7-foot high dividers and a curtain for a door. The masseuse or mamasan (female manager) who led you to the room will leave, and that’s your cue to get naked. Don’t be shy, they’ve seen it all before, and no matter how bad you think you look, they have seen worse. You can lay face down on the table, but in my opinion it’s better to simply sit on the table naked and wait to show the masseuse that you are comfortable being nude. Sometimes they will be a little surprised by this, but it’s nothing they haven’t seen before. Usually they won’t react to it at all and will just tell you to lay down so they can begin. You will often be covered with a sheet or towel. It will be removed from the parts they focus on as the massage proceeds.

Massages are typically done with the use of oil. If you don’t want to have oil on your body for whatever reason (unable to shower soon after, uncomfortable, a suspicious significant other, etc) you can tell your masseuse that, though it may lessen the quality of the massage. Sometimes powder will be used for the massage. Often you will be asked if you want a hard or soft massage. A hard massage involves varying amounts of pressure being applied to your back, buttocks and legs. A soft massage usually means the masseuse will lightly run her fingers over your body, giving you goosebumps and quite possibly getting you erect.

Some suggest that you try to lightly touch the masseuses lightly on the leg and if they move away that means extras are not on offer. Again, this is something I never do. I don’t think it’s very effective and anyway it’s pretty damn creepy if you ask me. At the most, you should try to initiate some friendly chat with the masseuse. They usually appreciate it, and often times they’re happy to be able to practice their English and get a break from the monotony of rubbing the backs of semi-sleeping guys day after day.

During the massage, things will often get a bit sexy, at least from your point of view. When the masseuse is rubbing your legs, buttocks and thighs you may get turned on. This is no problem, even for places that don’t offer extras. If you can get hard and keep it up, then do it. While not necessary, it will let the masseuse know you could use some release. After 30-50 minutes you’ll usually be asked to turn over. Sometimes they’ll ask if you want to turn over, and that in itself is an offer for extras. But usually, they’ll just say turn over or “flip” and start rubbing your legs. When things get closer to the end, they may start to tease you groin to get you hard, they may ask if you want “anything else or they may just come out and ask if you want a hand job directly, either with words or by motioning. Say yes of course!

If extras are on offer, most places will not discuss prices beforehand. If they do, it’s is usually the sign of a poor service to come, but there are always exceptions. In any case, lay back and enjoy your release which will range from fast and mechanical to slow, oily and erotic. You’ll be emptied out in one way or another. That’s never bad, right?

The masseuse may get topless or even naked, but this is usually not the case. It may be more accessible if you ask for it and offer to tip a little extra. I usually don’t worry about it. Most are okay with you rubbing their legs or ass. Some are not. Feel them out, or better yet, ask. It’s okay to be a bit more forward once they already have your dong in their hand since you don’t have to worry about freaking them out.

Afterward you’ll be cleaned up and then the masseuse will leave the room. Get dressed and head out to the front. Pay at the front desk for the massage if you haven’t already. Then give the masseuse a tip (unless she asked for it in the room, usually after you blew your wad). The standard tip for a hand job finish is 40 dollars, though you may sometimes be asked for more.

If, at the end of the massage, the masseuse simply says “okay that’s it” and leaves the room, that means you aren’t getting any extras. Just accept it and take it as a lesson learned. At least you got a nice massage. The standard tip in this case is 10 dollars per hour.

After you become familiar with a place that offers extras, you may opt for the 30 minute massage if the happy ending is all you’re after. The tip remains the same. You can also inquire about 4 and even 6 handed massages (adding another masseuse or two) which are available at a lot of places. You will have to tip each masseuse separately, so keep this in mind.

Earlier, I alluded to fly by night places set up in houses and apartments. These less common set ups can usually be found in listings in the backs of “alternative papers” available freely in various cities. The ads will usually be short and to the point, it’s probably one of these places. These spots are discreet. You will knock on the door and be led into a room with a locking door. You’ll get a half-ass massage and then be asked what you want. Hand jobs are standard, but sometimes you will be offered oral sex. You may want to bring a condom, because if you don’t they will sometimes do something strange like cover your unit in plastic wrap before popping it in their mouth. If you become a regular and trusted visitor, you may even be offered full service. In these places prices will normally be negotiated up front. You may pay 40 dollars for an hour massage then negotiate for further services. Sometimes you can get away with a lot less than you would pay at a “normal” Chinese jack shack, but not always. I once found a place where the sexy middle-aged Chinese milf mamasan also did massages. When I got her, she’d jerk and blow me with her big juicy tits out without even asking for a tip! At 40 dollars a go, it was a great deal. These places don’t last, so be aware and don’t get too attached to them.

As you should be able to tell from reading this, things are widely variable with Chinese massage parlors. Just go with it and try to have a good time. Next time I’ll talk about Korean massage parlors which have more straight forward and set-in-stone routines, and where full service with very sexy women is standard. And this is just how Chinese massage parlors work in the United States. Things are much different elsewhere in the world, which I’ll explain in future entries.